September 17th 2016 a day that changed my life. My mum died on that day and the world I knew was changed forever. For 46 years this woman had been my best friend, my confidante, my compass, my world and in a short hour on that mid September evening last year she left this world. She left peacefully without any fuss, she left quietly in the living room that she had called home for 41 of her 74 years on earth. There was no obvious pain, no obvious fighting, she faced death and quietly took its hand into another realm. It was a good death, peaceful and almost serene after five years of fighting to hold on to life with every fibre of her being. Death came for my mum that evening and she followed, followed to where I could not follow. My constant my friend my Mum went with death and left me alone in this strange world. My mum died and her body was lying on the living room floor. She had been put there so that my brother could perform CPR on her till the ambulance came. My brother put all his Police Officer Training to work and worked hard on her but we both knew she had gone. The ambulance people came and carried on CPR because my Mum a short two weeks previous to her death had refused to have a DNR put on her file. The paramedics were giving her CPR for what seemed an eternity. I went back in and pleaded for them to stop because I knew my mum had gone and that she didn’t want a fuss. But they had their ‘procedures’ Although my mum had been ill for five years hear death was still considered a ‘sudden death’ so the police had to be called, the undertaker and I had to tell my father who was separated from my Mum. When the paramedics finally pronounced my mum dead I just looked at her body lying on the living room floor. She was wearing her pink flannel pyjamas and a waistcoat like I had seen her so many times previously. But Mum was no longer there, the spark Nd twinkle in her eyes had gone,it was just a body, an empty shell that looked like Mum. I laid down next to her, I smelled her hair, I said goodbye…..my Mum had gone, I was there, I was with her I saw it with my own eyes. I stayed till my Mums body was taken away and calmly drove home with my partner.
That was the day my life changed forever. I was there at her death, it was a good death, I saw it, I experienced it but I had not been prepared for the grief. Big ugly grief that manifested itself in crying, in anger and immense irritation. I am nearly six months Post the death of my Mum and I am angry so so angry. I am angry at the world angry at myself and worst of all angry at my mum. I am so angry that she has left me. I feel abandoned. After years of being with me and being my constant her death seems like the ultimate betrayal. Other people have left me, abandoned me, discarded me but my Mum never did. But now in the time I need her the most she has left me, ,ft me to cope alone and I am angry with her. I feel guilt for this anger too I know this was my Mums time to go but I just want her back.
I am working through my anger and I hope I make it…………I just need my Mum x